Physical Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Emotional Abuse

Since the problem has come to public attention, many have asked themselves, "Am I a battered woman?" "Am I abused?". In this book I use "battened" to refer to physical assault. "Abuse" includes physical, sexual, or emotional attacks, ranging from mild to lethal. The word you use to describe your situation is not important. It is important to recognize what's being done to you and to know you don't have to take it. Has your intimate partner done any of these things to you?

Ask Yourself the Following...

Which of those acts happened repetitively? Which of them resulted in bruises, cuts, or broken bones? Which of them were aimed at specific parts of your body, indicating the man was in control of his actions? Which required medical treatment, hospitalization or permanent injury or disfigurement?

How many times or how often have you been assaulted one way or another? How many of them could have resulted in serious injury if the man had miscalculated? Have the assaults stayed about the same in frequency, or are they changing? If changing, how?

Although some items are clearly more dangerous than others are, almost all of them are potentially dangerous and all show a lack of respect and an effort to intimidate and control you. Many men and women occasionally push, hold or slap each other, but that doesn't necessarily make it right. If everyone in your neighborhood or family has always done those things, that doesn't mean you have to continue the pattern. One problem with accepting a certain level of abuse is that there's a tendency for the abusive man to interpret it as permission to escalate the assaults into more dangerous and more frequent acts. You're the only one who can decide how much is too much and what you're ready to do about it.

 

 

Sexual abuse is so common that it too is beguiling to seem almost normal to some people. Have historically had so little to say about their sexuality that it's a very confusing area for many of us. Ask yourself whether your partner has done any of these things to you:

 

 Ask Yourself the Following...

Have you been less interested in sex since you became involved with your partner or since he made particular demands?

Do you feel less physically attractive than you did before?

Do you feel sexually humiliated or ashamed, or do you believe no one else would want you sexually?

You might give in to your partner's wish because you truly want to, and you know he'll do the same for you. But if you give in because you're afraid not to, or because you know he'll keep at you until he wears you down, it will be an important step to admit that he's really forcing you.

Emotional abuse is sometimes even harder than sexual abuse to define and recognize. And almost everyone does it at some time or other and many couples develop a habit of hurling insults at each other. It's often hard to determine who did what to whom first, especially if the injury is delivered in a subtle way. How many of these things has your partner done to you?

Ignored your feelings.

Ridiculed or insulted women as a group.

Ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class.

Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as punishment.

Continually criticized you, called you names, and shouted at you.

Insulted or drove away your friends or family .

Humiliated you in private or public.

Refused to work or share money.

Took car keys or money away.

Regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave.

Threatened to hurt you or your family.

Punished or deprived the children when he was angry at you.

Threatened to kidnap the children if you left him.

Abused pets to hurt you.

Told you about his affairs.

Harassed you about affairs he imagined you were having.

Manipulated you with lies and contradictions.

The list could extend to countless pages and is more difficult to put in order of least damaging to more damaging behavior because the subtleties and frequency can make them more slights or devastating humiliations. If there are things you were subjected to that don't fit into any of the items above, write them down.

If you did some of those things to your partner, the picture might be confusing. If you want to assign blame, it could make a difference as to who started it, who did what, most and worst. But the first thing to recognize is whether you were abused.

Excerpt from: Ginny NiCarthy (I 986). Getting Free. Seattle, WA: Seal Press 15.

( Side note: Blame should be secondary to the violence stopping. For your safety and your families.)

Domestic Violence Needs to Stop. It Only Takes One to Leave.