Instructions for Inventory of Specific Relationship Standards


This questionnaire asks about your standards for your marriage, or what you think your marriage should be like. The way you think your marriage should be might be different from the way your marriage actually is. Remember, we are interested in what you think your marriage should be like. Below you will find 48 statements that describe standards that people may hold about their relationships. There are three parts to each question:

Part One: Please indicate how often you believe you and your partner should act toward each other in certain ways, as described in the following statements. You have five choices for doing this:

Never = 1, Seldom = 2, Sometimes = 3, Usually = 4, Always = 5.

Simply select the number beside each item that corresponds to your view. Some of the items ask about parenting and child-rearing. Even if you do not have children, please answer these items based on how you think children should be raised.

Part Two: Please indicate whether you are satisfied with the way that the standard is being met in your relationship.

Select Y for "Yes" or N for "No".

Part Three: Please indicate how upsetting it is to you when this standard is not met in your relationship. You have three choices for doing this:

Not at all upsetting = 1, Somewhat upsetting = 2, Very upsetting = 3

Please note: Even if you are currently satisfied with how this standard is being met in your relationship, this question asks how upsetting it is for you when the standard is not being met.

Example: Consider the item, My partner and I should eat our evening meals together. If you believe that you and your partner should do this most of the time, first you would circle 4 for Usually. Next, if you are not satisfied with this aspect of your relationship, you would circle N for No. Finally, if you find it somewhat upsetting when your standard for eating together is not met, you would mark 2 for Somewhat Upsetting.
1.) My partner and I should have equal say about when we discuss certain positive thoughts and feelings that we have about our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

2). We should spend extra money we have for things we enjoy as a couple. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

3). My partner and I should have equal say about what kinds of leisure activities we do together. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

4). My partner and I should try to make the other feel better when one of us has had a problem with the children. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

5). We should show our care and commitment to our partner by getting together with our partner's family, even if we do not want to. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

6). We should spend a lot of time and energy expressing physical affection for each other. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

7). My partner and I should have the same ideas about the values we teach our children. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

8). My partner and I should show interest in each other's leisure activities, as a way of demonstrating that we care about each other. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

9). My partner and I should have equal say about whether we discuss certain negative thoughts and feelings that we have about our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

10). Expressing our love and commitment for each other should be our primary goal when we have sex. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

11). Each of us should put a great deal of effort and energy into developing good relationships with our partner's friends. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

12). My partner and I should stop what we are doing if the other person wants to discuss some positive thoughts and feelings. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

13). My partner and I should have equal say about the things we spend our money on. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

14). We should make our leisure and fun time together a high priority in our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

15). We should share our good feelings about our relationship with each other, in order to show our caring and commitment to each other. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

16). We should be willing to sacrifice time from other areas of our life (for example, doing house work, doing work for job) to make our sex life satisfying. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

17). My partner and I should have equal say on decisions we need to make about friends. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

18). My partner and I should be willing to make other sacrifices in order to assure a secure financial future for us as a couple. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

19). We should help with our partner's tasks around the house as a way of showing that we care for each other. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

20). My partner and I should be willing to sacrifice individual goals to spend more time and energy raising our children together. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

21). We should support our partner when they have a problem with their job or daily tasks, no matter how we are feeling. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

22). My partner and I should have the same ideas about how to spend our leisure time together. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

23). My partner and I should have the same ideas about how the housework should be done. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

24). My partner and I should value the same qualities in a friend. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

25). My partner and I should have similar religious or philosophical values. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

26). My partner and I should have equal say in job or daily task decisions that affect our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

27). My partner and I should have equal say on decisions we make about our families (such as, when to visit, lend money, etc.). 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

28). My partner and I should have equal say about how our children are raised. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

29). My partner and I should have equal say about how the household is to be run. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

30). Each of us should put effort and energy into the relationships we have with our partner's family. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

31). We should make understanding our partner's religious or philosophical beliefs a high priority in our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

32). In order to help our relationship run smoothly, each of us should put time and energy into taking care of responsibilities around the house, such as cleaning. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

33). Each of us should be willing to put time and energy into talking about problems or concerns in our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

34). In order to keep our relationship running smoothly, we should limit the time and energy we give to our jobs and daily tasks. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

35). My partner and I should listen to each other's criticisms or complaints about us to show we care about our partner's feelings. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

36). My partner and I should respect each other's different religious and philosophical beliefs, as a way of expressing caring and commitment to each other. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

37). We should show our care and commitment to our partner by getting together with our partner's friends. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

38). Expressing our love and commitment for each other should be our primary goal when we are physically affectionate (for example, holding hands or sitting close together). 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

39). My partner and I should have similar spending habits. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

40). My partner and I should have similar values about our jobs or daily tasks (e.g., same amount of ambition, future goals, etc.). 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

41). We should have the same attitude about sharing negative thoughts and feelings we have about our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

42). We should have similar attitudes and values about our sexual relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

43). We should go with our partner when our partner is visiting his/her family. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

44). We should have similar ideas about how we share physical affection. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

45). We should agree on how to share our positive feelings about our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

46). My partner and I should have equal say about when and where we show each other physical affection. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

47). My partner and I should have equal say about the activities connected with our religious or philosophical views we take part in together. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3

48). My partner and I should have equal say about the kinds of sexual activities that we share. 1 2 3 4 5

Are you satisfied with the way this standard is being met in your relationship? Y N

How upsetting is it to you when this standard is not met? 1 2 3


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